How utterly frustrating. Week after week. Nothing seemed to help. Although I studied diligently, prepared carefully, and via text even sent study questions ahead of time, most of the class continued to simply warm their chairs. Stoic and silent. Wandering eyes and precious little response clearly bespoke disinterest. I hated it. In vain I longed for verbal acknowledgment or appreciation for all the energy I poured into this. Repeatedly my thoughts turned to serious self-doubt; soon they were joined by despairing and self-pitying tears. Fear of failure hounded me, threatened to consume me. What was wrong? Was my presentation style all wrong? Whose fault was this seeming failure? Before long my thoughts culminated into thoughts of blame.
Then I heard that still Voice, “You don’t need to rely on the people in this class for your sense of well-being.” Startled out of my downward spiral, I acknowledged that was indeed what I was doing. Repentance began an inward movement toward freedom. At the same time an ardent student of the Word who was visiting in the area for a few weeks, joined our class. Her eager contributions stimulated more discussion and class time quickly became a fragile delight – a delight still significantly tempered by the almost total absence of verbal affirmation from the class. No comments of, “I really enjoyed the class!” ever surfaced. So was I doing OK – or was I not?
Although now less urgent, the turmoil continued. If this visitor were not here, then what? The drought of affirmation still carried a sharp edge of perceived failure. Then while spilling out this intense story to my mentor friends, again I heard that quiet Voice, “What if this dearth of affirmation is a gift?” My face turned toward the Questioner. Yes, what if? Although my strong love language of verbal affirmation is God-given and good, to interpret its absence as a sign of failure results in serious inner bondage. Life is not a contest to earn His love. Didn’t He say nothing can separate us from His love? Soon the startling, but sweet words, “I cannot ‘fail’” began ringing in my mind.
For three Sundays now I have stepped into teaching with that thought prominent in my mind. I feel the difference, it is freeing and beautiful. While daring to believe those words, the pressure to perform loses it power to control. Now class time flows, it feels alive, stimulating, and inspirational. Even though the gift of no affirmation continues, I walk away with joy. Rather than holding power over me, it poignantly invites me to believe again and again His words: “I cannot ‘fail’”. Truly, if ‘success’ means having earned the Father’s love, I cannot fail. Ever. Neither can I ‘succeed’. Ever. I can only offer what He gives. Always. That is how I want to live.
And so I rejoice—and I also lament. I rejoice that at my age I can continue to grow and learn and step deeper into His love. And I mourn the years of teaching school where, caught in the tyrannical grip of the need to perform, affirmation or its absence either empowered or defeated me in very unhealthy ways.
I remember, and then with clearer understanding, my head and heart unite to thank Him for this present dearth. It is a gift to be received and treasured. Amen. So be it.
Article is anonymous by request of the author.
Photo by Brad Helmink on Unsplash
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